


I Can't Feel A Damn Thing

by BigBadLittleRed



Category: Grimm (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depressed Nick, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Worried Monroe, break ups, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-10 09:00:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3284528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigBadLittleRed/pseuds/BigBadLittleRed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monroe knows that he isn't okay, he puts on a smile when they're together, so animated and lively.. But there's a sadness in his eyes that won't go away. Something's going on with Nick, and Monroe's going to get to the bottom of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Natural Nick Response

**Author's Note:**

> (This was sort of a prompt? I saw someone talking in the Nickroe tag about wanting someone to write a fic where Nick self-harms? And I got an idea so... Yeah..)
> 
> (By the way, I'm open to prompts.. You can message me here
> 
> http://bigbadlittlered.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I totally accept prompts for Nick/Monroe/Rosalee and Sterek fics!)

Nick and Juliette come over for dinner, they hadn't really had time together as friends lately. Monroe opens the door, finding Nick standing in the doorway.

 

"Hey! Where's Juliette?" He asks, and the man frowns slightly, looking confused.

 

"I dunno, at the house maybe? Did you call her?" He mutters, and Monroe's eyebrows crease together in their own confusion.

 

"We.. Rosalee said she called you guys and invited you over." He says quietly, and Nick nods.

 

"Yeah.. She called me, must have called Juliette too.. She'll be here." He shrugs, stepping inside.

 

"Well, shouldn't _you_ have told Juliette? And came with her?" He questions, and Nick stares at him for a few seconds with what seems like intense concern.

 

"I don't see her a lot, are you okay?" He whispers, and Monroe gapes at Nick.

 

"Monroe! Is that Nick or Juliette?" Rosalee calls, stepping into the hall.

 

"Oh hey Nick.." She pulls Nick into a tight hug, who smiles brightly.

 

"Hey, Rosalee. Been a while huh?" He asks, and she nods.

 

"Indeed." She agrees, and looks to Monroe who's still gaping at Nick.

 

"Something wrong Monroe?" She asks, and Monroe brings a hand up to gesture at Nick.

 

"I dunno, he's been acting weird.." Nick huffs, hands Rosalee a bottle of wine and heads off into the living room.

 

"I asked Nick why he didn't bring Juliette and he acted like it would have been unusual for that to happen.." Monroe hisses at Rosalee, who sighs.

 

"I'm guessing Nick didn't tell you then like Juliette told me.." She murmurs, and Monroe peers into the living room to watch Nick flip through the channels on the TV.

 

"Tell me what?" He asks as he turns back to Rosalee.

 

"They broke up, Juliette says Nick's been really closed off and upset and he won't let her help.. So she broke up with him, he hasn't gone back to the house.." She says quietly, and Monroe runs a hand through his hair.

 

"Oh man... He hasn't said a thing.. Did Juliette say how he took it?" He inquires, and Rosalee adjusts her blouse.

 

"Not well. He got mad and started yelling, she said that he basically broke down and ran out. We're not even sure where he went, but we didn't see him for a while.. Then he just started showing up here like nothing was wrong." She explains, and Monroe sighs.

 

"Damn, they seen each other yet?" He asks, Rosalee shaking her head in response.

 

Just then, someone knocks on the door. Rosalee answers it to find Juliette standing there with a smile on her face.

 

"Hey!" Rosalee and Juliette hug, and then Juliette shares a brief embrace with Monroe as well.

 

"Nick's in the living room.. But you can join me in the kitchen.." Rosalee suggests, and Juliette nods.

 

"Sounds good." She agrees, and they step into the living room.

 

"Nick, Juliette's here." Rosalee says, and Nick looks back.

 

"Oh hey Juliette!" He stands and walks over, giving her a hug with a bright smile. Juliette herself seems a little shocked to be honest, but recovers quickly with a small greeting.

 

"Man, it's been a while.. Good to see you!" He grins, before turning to sit back down on the couch.

 

Monroe trails behind the girls into the kitchen.

 

"That is really scary.." Rosalee whispers, and Monroe nods.

 

"I guess he's really trying to put it behind him.." Juliette says softly.

 

"More like act like it never happened." Monroe mutters.

 

"He was so upset that night, I didn't want him to leave and do something stupid.. But he was so angry and upset, I was a little afraid of him to be honest." Juliette explains.

 

"Did he hurt you?" Monroe asks, and Juliette shakes her head vigorously.

 

"No, of course not.. But I felt like if I stopped him then he might have lashed out.. So I let him leave." She tells them, and Monroe offers a glance to the doorway.

 

"Well, let's try not to set him off or anything.." He murmurs, and the girls nod in agreement.

 

"Nick, c'mon, let's eat!" Monroe calls, Nick comes walking in.

 

"Great, I'm starved." He laughs, Rosalee and Monroe share nervous looks once Nick's walked past them and into the dining room.

 


	2. This Wavering Façade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick lashes out when the others pry.

They all settle in at the table, getting their plates together and fixing the food. Soon enough they're all talking and chatting idly, it doesn't seem really awkward. It's almost like nothing has changed.

 

"So Nick, where are you staying?" Monroe finally asks, curiosity getting the best of him. He watches warily as Nick falters slightly before twirling his fork in his pasta and looking up with a neutral look on his face.

 

"The trailer." He says with a shrug, scooping a fork full of pasta into his mouth.

 

"Man, Nick.. Why didn't you come here? The guest bedroom is basically yours." Monroe says, and Nick barely glances up.

 

"Nah, my schedule would keep you up at odd hours of the night.. You're a light sleeper." He explains, staring down at his plate.

 

"Nick, we don't mind.. Really.." Rosalee tells him, and he shakes his head.

 

"No it's fine. I was sleeping there a lot anyway." Nick accidently glances over at Juliette after he says that.

 

"Where do you shower?" Rosalee questions.

 

"The station has a shower." He answers shortly, still not looking up from his plate.

 

"Seriously, Nick... You can't stay there, you could come back to the house and stay on the couch until you get an apartment or something.." Juliette offers, and Nick shakes his head again without a word.

 

"I just don't understand why you can't stay in the guest bedroom, it's not like you haven't stayed there before.." Rosalee sighs, and Nick slams his hand down on the table, everyone jumping.

 

"Maybe because I fucking want to be alone. I didn't realize that my business became a fucking group project." He snaps, teeth gritted together. Everyone's quiet, not sure how to proceed. But then Nick drops his fist off the table with a soft sigh and leans back in his chair to rub at his face.

 

"I'm sorry.. I'm just... I'll go." He stands, Monroe stands as well.

 

"Nick, it's fine." He says with a small gesture to his chair.

 

"No, it's not.. I'm sorry to ruin this lovely dinner, Rosalee.. Monroe, Juliette... Goodnight.." He turns and walks out, the door slamming a few seconds later. Monroe slowly drops down into his seat with a sigh.

 

"Well... I think we screwed up that one.." He offers a glance to Rosalee, who nods.

 

"We shouldn't have pressed him, he's probably still processing all of this." She says softly.

 

"He'll figure all this out eventually.." Monroe says, and the girls nod in agreement.

 

What Monroe doesn't mention is the immense sadness Nick has started to smell like.. Along with that sour smell of what he hates to admit to himself is depression.

 

Monroe may have to interfere, but for now.. He'll let it be.

 


	3. The List

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monroe finds something in the trailer while visiting Nick.

Nick calls Monroe up to help with a case, tells him to meet him at the trailer. Monroe has a key to the trailer himself, Nick had one made at some point and given it to him just in case. Monroe gets there before Nick, which meant he was probably at the station or something. So Monroe starts to look around on Nick's desk through the leather bound books filled with information. He's pilfering, he knows it, but flicking through pages and moving books around looks innocent enough..

 

That is, until he moves one of the books and sees a sheet of paper with Nick's handwriting scrawled on it.

 

_**Remember:** _

_**1\. Smile, don't worry anyone.** _

_**2\. Laugh, even if you don't mean it.** _

_**3\. Don't get mad at them for not knowing, it's not their fault.** _

_**4\. Treat them good, they're all you have left.** _

_**5\. Don't admit your feelings, you'll ruin everything.** _

_6\. Juliette is gone, you blew it. Don't screw up Monroe and Rosalee, they're good together. DO NOT BE SELFISH._

 

The last is written in pencil instead of pen, like it was newer... Monroe feels his chest tighten at the words, he hears a car door and sets the paper down. Setting a book on top of the list, he moves away and sits down on the little daybed in the camper and waits for Nick.

 

Nick walks in, heads straight for his desk and starts talking about the case while he looks for a specific book.. Monroe watches him pick up the list, stare at it a moment, before shoving it in his pocket.

 

"What's that?" Monroe asks, and Nick shakes his head.

 

"Nothing, just something to remember for later.." He mutters, still scanning the books before picking one up.

 

"Like what?" Monroe questions nonchalantly as he picks up a book and skims through it.

 

"Like.. Things to do.." He shrugs, glancing over at Monroe a little nervously.

 

"Things like what?" Monroe presses a little harder, and Nick shrugs again.

 

"Stuff, it doesn't matter.. Anyways-" He continues on talking about the case. Monroe wants to stand up and tell him to be straight with him, to say how he's feeling.. To talk about how bad he must be hurting, but it'll only scare him off or make him angry.. So he relents.

 

-

 

Monroe loves Rosalee, he knows that much.. But sometimes it feels like they love each other differently, he cares for her, wants to keep her safe.. He enjoys her company, but it's not the way he felt with Angelina.. And he knows that's a bad comparison, but he had a real intimate relationship, no matter how bloody and lust-filled it was... And this didn't feel like one of those relationships, it felt like... Platonic..

 

Man he wishes he'd never even started thinking too far into this.

 

-

 

Nick comes over one afternoon to hang out, Rosalee is down at the Spice Shop so they sit down on the couch for a couple of beers.

 

"No, I swear.. He jumped so bad, it was the best thing I've ever seen..." Nick explains as he talks about a prank he pulled on Hank.

 

"Man, he ever get you back?" Monroe asks with a smirk, and Nick laughs.

 

"No, but he was like 'Chuckle now, but payback's a bitch and she bites.' It was great." He snorts, and stretches his arms out along the back of the couch.

 

Monroe offers a reflexive look towards the younger man's arm, but doubles back to look when he sees red bleeding through his shirt sleeve.

 

"You're bleeding." He turns his upper body and grabs Nick's wrist, who jumps.

 

"What?" He looks down himself, eyes growing wide with alarm as he watches the red spread in a long thin horizontal line across his upper arm.

 

"Lemme see, take off your shirt.." Monroe says with a small gesture, and Nick shakes his head.

 

"No, it's fine.. I'll go take a look." He stands up and heads for the stairs.

 

After a minute or two, Monroe heads upstairs.

 

"Nick, I don't think I have any first aid stuff in there so I brought some-" He opens the door, finding Nick standing there.

 

He's shirtless, and from the crook of his forearm up to his shoulder were covered with cuts... Cuts like horizontal pattern slices along both arms. Monroe gapes, Nick stands there looking like a deer in headlights.

 

"Oh Nick..." Monroe whispers, eyes breaking from the wounds up to Nick's shocked face.

 

Nick grabs his shirt, pulls it back on. He tries to walk out, but Monroe's standing in the door like a steel barricade.

 

"Move, Monroe." He demands, before reaching out and pushing at Monroe's shoulder.

 

"Nick, this is serious.. Do you not realize how bad this is?" He asks, refusing to budge.

 

"I'm handling it! Move." He shoves at him again.

 

"Handling it by hurting yourself? By smiling because you don't want anyone to worry? Or laughing even if you don't mean it?" He questions softly, and Nick's eyes widen in shock.

 

"You didn't.." He murmurs, shaking his head and stepping back.

 

"I stumbled upon it in the trailer... Nick, you can't face stuff like this alone.. No matter what you think will happen.." He explains, ducking his head a little when Nick looks down at the floor.

 

"You don't understand.. I'll ruin everything.. Everything you've accomplished.. I won't ruin it." He shakes his head, and Monroe stares at him.

 

"What are you going to ruin? Nick, asking for help isn't going to ruin anything." He says softly, and Nick sighs.

 

"You don't understand... You can't understand.." His voice gets a little louder, more upset and angry.

 

"Let me understand then, explain it to me.." He reasons.

 

"I don't want to hurt you." Nick says simply, balling his hands into fists.

 

"Monroe! You home?" Rosalee's voice calls from downstairs, Monroe turns slightly and Nick brushes past him in an instant and heads for the stairs.

 

"Nick, don't you walk away from me." He follows Nick door the stairs before pushing a palm against the door and effectively closing it when Nick tries to swing it open.

 

Rosalee appears in the hall, looking at the both of them with confusion and concern.

 

"Something wrong?" She asks carefully as Nick and Monroe glare at each other.

 

"I was just leaving." Nick says tightly, and Monroe shakes his head.

 

"No, Nick's staying here.. And he's talking to me about this, because I care about him." He argues with a small forced smile.

 

"Well Nick doesn't want to talk." Nick says with a big fake grin.

 

"Well Monroe does.." He snaps.

 

"Rosalee wants to know what's going on." Rosalee adds, and they both look at her.

 

"Should I tell her or should you, _Nick?_ " Monroe asks darkly, Nick turns to glare at his friend.

 

"Say one word, and I'll never speak to you again." He threatens, and Rosalee holds her hands up.

 

"Whoa there, slow your roll boys... Nick Burkhardt, I'm not sure what's going on here but Monroe is your best friend..." She says.

 

"Not anymore... Stay out of my business.. Stay out of my life.. I don't want you to call me, or text me.. I'm sorry." Nick says, and Monroe thinks for a second he can see tears in the man's eyes.

 

His hand lowers in shock, and Nick opens the door and walks out, slamming it behind him.

 

"What happened?" Rosalee asks, looking slightly upset herself.

 

"I saw something he didn't want me to see... A couple of things really.. Rosalee, Nick's living a lie." Monroe says quietly, and Rosalee places a hand on his arm.

 

"Tell me everything." She demands.

 

 

 

 

 


	4. The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick gives Rosalee a call that terrifies her to the core.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (TRIGGER WARNING, SUICIDE CALL.)

"Hello?"

  
"R'slee!" It's Nick, his voice slurring slightly.

 

"Nick? Hey, are you looking for Monroe?" She asks, sitting down in the kitchen.

 

"No.. No, you.. I'm calling you." He explains slowly.

 

"I see.. What did you need?" She questions, leaning back in her chair.

 

"Treat him good..." Nick says, voice a little more sober.

 

"What?"

 

"Love him.. He deserves everything you have... He deserves to be treated... good.." Nick sighs, and there's a rustle from the other end of the line.

 

"Nick, what are you talking about?" Rosalee asks, frowning in confusion.

 

"Never stop loving him.. Treat him right... Don't lock him out, tell him how you feel every time you see him.. Don't do what I did." Nick explains quietly.

 

"Nick, wait.. Are you talking about Monroe?" She inquires softly.

 

"I loved him, but he deserves so much better Rosalee.. You deserve each other.." Nick sniffs, is he crying?

 

"Nick, where are you?" She asks, and Nick hiccups quietly.

 

"I'm so sorry Rosalee.. I'm sorry for everything... Tell Monroe that I- no... Don't tell him that.. Tell him, he was the bestest friend I ever had." He mutters.

 

"Nick, what's going on? You're freaking me out.." She stands up, walking into the living room.

 

"I'm being... Selfish... Bye Rosalee..." The line goes dead, Rosalee's heart begins to pound. She dials Monroe.

 

"Rosalee? Hey, I'm headed home from the store now.." He answers.

 

"Nick just called me.. He was crying and freaking me out, Monroe I think he's going to do something stupid." She explains hurriedly.

 

"What?! Where is he?" Monroe demands.

 

"I don't know, he wouldn't tell me.. He sounded drunk, Monroe, what if he kills himself?" She asks softly.

 

"I won't let him."

 

The line goes dead once more.

 


	5. Broken Hearts, Broken Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monroe finds Nick at the trailer.

He heads to the trailer, because it's the only place his friend could be.. The only place Monroe can think of.

 

His heart is pounding against his chest, and there's an ache in his stomach that cries for Nick. If he lost the Grimm, he wouldn't know what to do with himself. He opens the trailer door, and spots Nick laying on the day bed.

 

"Nick!" He steps over and kneels next to the bed, he reeks of alcohol and there's a half empty bottle laying just under Nick's hand. He spots the gun in his other hand, finger still on the trigger. But he's not dead, he's unconscious?? There are tear tracks on his face, and he's breathing softly.. Breathing, he's still breathing, Monroe has to assure himself.

 

He pulls the gun gently from Nick's hand and sets it on the table, finding an envelope addressed 'I'm Sorry'. He opens the envelope and pulls out the note.

 

_This is for all the people I've hurt._

 

_For all the people whose lives I've ruined, to all those I've failed to save._

_I can't put too much information about me in here, considering the police will find this note. I've done a lot of bad things, things I can't even speak about in death. I should be forced to live, I really should. Because that's eternal torment, death is relief. I know that's stupid and so stereotypical but I can't think of anything better than putting a bullet in my brain with my current situation._

_I've lived an odd life, filled with horrifying things that haunt my nightmares. I second guess everything I've ever done, so much so that I rarely sleep anymore. I'm so tired, I never expected it to hurt this much.. For life to take me by the throat and mangle my soul, enough to make me do this. Enough for me to look forward to that bit of steel soon to be in my head._

_I have loved, and lost.. And I have never loved at all.. No, I have loved, but the love was never returned. And that's fine, because he doesn't deserve me. He's going to get married, and have a bunch of kids, beautiful kids with a great woman._

_And that's the worst thing, I can't even hate him. I love him so much, and I'm glad he's happy._

_My mother should find out about this note, one way or another.. She'll be disappointed surely, sad even.. Her son should have died a hero, not like a coward._

_My partner Hank, my best friend.. He doesn't even know anything's wrong, nobody does.. Except Monroe and Rosalee, I know they know.. And I regret that they had to know, because I don't want them to worry._

_I'm not sure what my last words should be.. No, I do._

 

_I'm so sorry, please forgive me._

 

Tears well in Monroe's eyes, biting down on his lip he attempts to hold them back to no avail. Nick loved him, he was hurting and depressed, and he loved Monroe.. He never said a word, not one word.

 

"You stupid idiot.." Monroe murmurs, folding the note up and tucking it into his pocket.

 

He hadn't been sleeping, hadn't been taking care of himself... And those he cared about most, he pushed away. Monroe should have seen through it long ago, he should have helped Nick...

 

Well it's not too late, Nick's still alive.. He's hurt, and mentally broken.. But he's alive, and Monroe was going to fix this.

 

He sits down on the edge of the bed, drags his fingers through Nick's hair.

 

"I'm not going to let you deal with this alone..." He whispers, grabbing the bottle of alcohol on the bed and setting it on the desk. He lays against the wall of the trailer, his thigh pressed against Nick's shoulder. The Grimm was out cold, chest rising and falling slowly. Monroe sighs to himself, smoothing Nick's hair down gently.

 

He was in love with a Grimm.. A Blutbad and a Grimm.. Huh... Well, that was to be dealt with later.. First, he had to handle Nick, they'd talk about the both of them later.


	6. Let's Fix This, You And Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick's brought to Monroe's house. The next morning Rosalee and Monroe have some things to talk to Nick about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like it's been forever since I've updated... My computer acts up for one night and I feel like I haven't been on the internet for a month... It's weird how dependent I am on writing for strangers, I mean I'm pretty sure you guys could care less if I wrote or not. -shrugs-

Monroe ends up carrying Nick back to the car, settling him in the front seat and buckling him in. He would have put him in the back, but the back of his car would be much more uncomfortable knowing how small it was. He taps on the steering wheel anxiously as he drives, thinking of the things to come. He loved Rosalee, but not like he loved Nick... Plus, he couldn't really settle this now. If he broke up with Rosalee, Nick may blame himself..

 

He didn't want Nick to feel bad, he wanted him to be happy, he deserved it. Nick had a decent life compared to some, but compared to others, it was sad. To have lost both parents at such a young age, to deal with murder every day, and on top of all that he fought supernatural creatures that wanted his head as a medal. Juliette bailed on him, which was a little selfish, but Monroe knew she was going to leave from the beginning. He never wanted to say anything to Nick, he wanted him to stay hopeful.. But as soon as she found out, Monroe knew, he knew it.. He could see it in her eyes.

 

Juliette had no ties to the Wesen world other than Nick, she deserved a normal life. It's not like a normal person would choose a life like theirs for no reason. But still, Monroe can't help but be angry with her. Why let Nick think that things were working, why do that to a person? Then again, Nick was distant from her because he didn't love her.. He loved _Monro_ _e_ , dorky, clock-tinkering, awkward, vegetarian _Monroe_.

 

He still couldn't wrap his head around it to be completely honest... But it made him happy, really happy.

 

How that happened, he still wasn't sure..

 

Monroe had a small, okay slightly huge, crush on Nick a few months after they met. How could he not? Monroe was a bisexual man, anyone attracted to men fell for his charm. That bright smile, beautiful blue eyes, the dark hair, he was amazingly handsome.. His laugh was contagious, and he was smarter than he let off, he was always the first to figure out how to solve something.. The first person to act, the one to dive in and save someone. He has the kindest heart, so trusting, too trusting. Monroe hated to see an innocence like that taken from someone, but over time, he'd watched those trusting eyes turn into ones of wariness and suspicion. But he still loved him, they trusted each other, they came to each other for everything.

 

But then Monroe had sort of fallen for Rosalee.. Which he can't deny that at all, he loved her, romantically.. But then the romantic love dissipated into a sort of family love.. It was odd and uncomfortable, he didn't want to hurt her. He wanted Nick, he didn't think he'd get him.. If it weren't this, he might have just stayed with Rosalee. Or maybe not, he wasn't even sure.

 

It's weird, because it always seemed like Nick was just fine with him being with Rosalee. He never once hinted on being uncomfortable, the self-deprecating idiot.

 

Monroe pulls up to the house, and Rosalee opens the door, hesitating at the threshold. Even though it's quite dark outside, he can still see the worry etched on her face. He can tell what she's thinking, wondering if the man they'd both come to love was dead. He'd hesitate to learn the truth too if that was the case, in fact, he'd probably never leave the doorway at all.. He couldn't bear to live in a world without Nicholas Burkhardt.

 

-

 

Nick stirs from sleep and is completely confused when he blinks his eyes open to find himself under a roof he didn't remember falling asleep underneath. In fact, he didn't remember going to sleep at all. Then it all comes back in a rush of a slight headache, the alcohol, the phone call, the gun... He sits up, taking note of his surroundings.

 

Monroe's, he was at Monroe's... In pajama's that were very big on him, that smelled a lot like Monroe. Nick hates himself for pulling the shirt to his nose and inhaling deeply, calming himself for a moment. He can hear voices, downstairs, but he doesn't want to go downstairs. He'd cried himself into unconsciousness with a fucking gun in his hand, how was he supposed to face Monroe and Rosalee?

 

He couldn't even go through with it, he was too drunk, too upset. He'd started bawling once he'd hung up with Rosalee and pressed the gun to his temple before holding it there for a good five minutes. Nick wanted to die, he did.. But something was holding him back, a little voice in his head that still had survival instincts.. Told him to put the gun down. So he dropped his hand, closed his eyes, and accidently fell asleep.

 

The Grimm just sort of sits there for a few minutes, fiddling with the buttons on his shirt, thinking. Before he can get himself worked up again, he stands. His clothes are nowhere in sight, he sighs, feeling more vulnerable than ever in a pair of pajamas that make him seem much smaller than he is. He's always looked up at Monroe, the man called him small before, young... He always felt vulnerable when Monroe looked at him.

 

Nick steels himself, opening the door and heading down the hall. He takes one step down the stairs, pausing to listen. He can hear Monroe and Rosalee talking.

 

"I just hate that he's kept this from us." It's Rosalee.

 

"I know, he just doesn't want to seem weak." Monroe's words make him sit down at the top step.

 

"He's not weak, admitting he needs help does not make him weak." Rosalee argues, and there's a pause where Nick knows Monroe's probably fallen into one of those deep thoughts where the spot between his eyebrows crinkles up and he stares at nothing for a moment.

 

"Nick, can you come down here please?" Monroe calls, and Nick's heart jumps into his throat. He freezes up, holding his breath as he tries to think of a way out.

 

"C'mon Nicky, we're not mad." He says, and that helps nothing.. Nick keeps frozen for another minute, hands clenched in the hem of Monroe's shirt as he listens to his heart pound.

 

Rosalee appears at the bottom of the stairs, smiling gently as she peers around the corner.

 

"Hey there, sleepy-head." She was always nice to him in the mornings, he recalls from the times he stayed here.. Rosalee was always a morning person, like Monroe.. God, they were perfect for each other.

 

"Come on down, I'm making pancakes." She nods her head towards the direction of the kitchen.

 

He slowly stands up, walking down the steps at a glacier pace and utterly silent too. Nick looks into the living room, towards the door of the kitchen. He watches Rosalee walk into the kitchen, but he can't see the table where Monroe must be. He runs a hand through his sleep tussled hair, moving over to the doorway.

 

Nick leans in first, spotting Monroe at the table. He's dressed, drinking coffee from a white mug with a blue trim. His eyes are on Nick's the second he comes into sight, face neutral. No anger, no hatred.. He deems himself safe for now, takes a step into the kitchen, bare feet meeting the cool tile. He watches Rosalee for a moment, she's purposely focusing on her cooking, like she doesn't want to look at him.

 

"Sit." Monroe's voice tugs him out of his mind, he startles, looking over at the Blutbad. He's set his mug down, leaning on the table with crossed arms. Nick eyes the chair, sliding over to it and sitting down. He focuses on a small imperfection in the wood, bringing a hand up to trace a finger over it. His other hand goes into his hair, tugging and twirling it nervously. It was a habit he had as a child, one that his mother hated. He sucked his thumb up until he was three years old, which was too old really.. But he gained the habit of snaking a hand into his hair and pulling at it almost violently when he got scared or upset in the slightest.

 

Nick did that for a few years, but it died down eventually. Even so, he reverted to it in times of great stress. Twirling and twisting instead of the rough tugging he used to do as a kid.

 

"We read the letter." Monroe murmurs, Nick stops breathing, he's pretty sure his heart stopped beating as well.. Because he forgot the fucking note.. The note proclaiming his love for Monroe, talking about things he never talked about. Nick fists a hand in his hair and tugs once, breathing out a sigh. That was why Rosalee wasn't looking at him.. She must hate him, Monroe probably wants him gone.. His vision blurs slightly as he stares down at the table, a lump forming in his throat.

 

He'd done it, he'd fucked it all up. Two of the people he cared for so dearly, hated him. Nick drops his head onto the table, arms coming up to shelter him from the world for a little bit. He hates himself, because the tears burn behind his closed eyes and his nose is attempting to run.. He sniffs quietly, and jerks a little when a hand touches his shoulder, but doesn't look up.

 

"Nick, look at me." Monroe whispers, Nick shakes his head as best he can.

 

"We're not mad, Nick." The calloused hand moves up and runs through his hair gently.

 

"Yes you are." His voice cracks, but he hopes it's muffled enough to where they can't tell.

 

"No, we're not.. We're a little upset that you didn't come to us in the first place, but we're not mad.." Monroe assures, his hand moves in slow strokes across the back of his head. Nick focuses on not completely breaking down in Monroe's kitchen, breathing in and out slowly.

 

"Come on, sit up.." Monroe's hand snakes underneath Nick's chest, pulling him from his slouched position. Nick half-heartedly fights against him but ultimately loses, sitting back in his chair while wiping at his tear tracked face. Monroe's moved his chair next to Nick, Rosalee's sitting across from them. Nick pulls in a deep breath, ducking his head again to look at the table before him.

 

"Monroe and I have decided to break up." Rosalee says simply, and Nick feels like he's been punched in the face. His eyes snap up to meet Rosalee's, before turning to look at Monroe. His mouth hangs open, but Monroe's expression is schooled and calm.

 

"Y-You can't!" Nick exclaims, shaking his head.

 

"Nick, this relationship was nice while it lasted but-" Monroe starts, but Nick cuts him off, chair scraping against the floor as he stands.

 

"You can't! You just can't! You and Rosalee are perfect for each other!" He shouts, looking almost devastated at the news.

 

"I love Rosalee, but not romantically. I'd protect her with my life, but a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship isn't in the cards.." Monroe explains.

 

"No! You don't understand! You have to be together! This is the one thing I haven't screwed up yet! You can't break up!" Nick exclaims, running his hands through his hair as his mouth hangs open with panicked breaths.

 

"Nick, this wasn't because of you." Rosalee says, but Nick just shakes his head and claps his hands over his face.

 

"I told you we shouldn't have told him.." Monroe sighs, and Rosalee _scoffs_.

 

Nick has broken up one of the happiest couples and now they're disagreeing.

 

"Nick, sit down." Monroe demands calmly, grabbing his arm. Nick rips away, turning and walking out. But he can't leave.. He doubts Monroe brought his car home, and he's in his pajamas, he can't just leave.

 

So he goes with the childish way, he sprints upstairs and then locks himself in the guest bedroom. Monroe is bound to have a key to the room, in minutes he'll be barging in and saying more stuff that doesn't sound true at all... Again, Nick goes with his irrational side of his brain and crawls under the blankets in the bed to hide. It takes longer than he figured for Monroe to come up, but that's probably because he can hear Monroe and Rosalee talking outside of the door. Conversing quietly while Nick hides like a coward.

 

The door opens, a couple seconds later the bed dips as someone sits down.

 

"Nick, listen to me.. We need to talk about last night.. You need help." Rosalee sighs, a hand touching his leg.

 

"I don't need help, you need couples' counseling." Nick says petulantly, because he's a little shit like that.

 

"You're depressed and suicidal.. Nick, you need to take this seriously." Monroe says from somewhere near the foot of the bed.

 

"I wish I could've pulled that trigger so I wasn't having this conversation right now." He murmurs.

 

"Don't fucking say shit like that!" Monroe snaps.

 

"I thought you said you weren't angry." Nick huffs, and suddenly the blankets are pulled from the bed.

 

"You're one of the most important people in my life, and I hate that you'd ever even think about wanting to die. All I want to do is protect you. Keep you safe, so we're going to talk about this.. Because you called Rosalee last night intending to take your life.. And that's not going to slide, Nick.. It's not.. I won't let this just be forgotten." Monroe rants angrily.

 

Nick glares at the wall, Monroe moves into his line of sight.

 

"Listen to me, Nick! I love you! I'm not going to let you sit here and hate yourself and your life. I love you, and you need to know that... Your life means something, it's not something you can just end.. It doesn't work like that.. I don't know what I'd do in a world without Nicholas Burkhardt." He kneels on the bed, hand running gently over where they both know Nick's cuts are.

 

"We're going to make sure this stops... I care about you, don't ever think anything different, Nick." Monroe leans forward and presses a kiss to his head.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing this chapter on and off for about four hours.. Maybe it's time to sleep.


	7. Therapy And A Little Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rosalee moves out, Nick moves into the guest room. Monroe tries not to worry, but ultimately ends up freaking Nick out a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (WARNING
> 
> Talks of self-harm, a couple of techniques that I've heard do pretty well when attempting not to self-harm...)

"Therapy? I don't do therapy, Monroe.." Nick sighs as they have dinner a couple of nights later. Nick hadn't told anyone at the station about his depression, and Monroe has been watching him closely.

 

"It's not bad, it's just someone to talk to.." The older says quietly, Nick's staring down at his plate with a frown.

 

"Can't I just talk to you? Why does it have to be a stranger?" He mutters.

 

"Because I'm not qualified to analyze you like a therapist is.. So you're going." Monroe says finally, and Nick takes a sip of his water quietly.

 

"Okay, I'll go.." Nick agrees softly.

 

"What's the catch, Burkhardt? You don't give in easily." Monroe questions.

 

"I'll go to therapy, if you promise me that you're breaking up with Rosalee because you don't love her.. Not because of me, I don't have to be carried.. And if you think that you have to waste your life for me, then I can find a way to leave." He says, voice stern.

 

"I love Rosalee, as a friend... We're not breaking up because of you, and you're not leaving." Monroe answers simply.

 

"Also, you have to promise you won't tell anyone at the station." Nick adds, Monroe sighs.

 

"Nick, this isn't something to be ashamed of. I had a pretty tough time going Wieder and got into some dark places myself... But, if that's what you want, I won't tell anyone.. This won't leave outside of me, Rosalee, and you... Deal?" He reaches across the table and touches Nick's arm gently.

 

"Deal..." He nods, running a hand through his hair.

 

"Okay, onto other things... The arms.." Monroe says carefully, Nick seems to slip down into his seat, making himself smaller.

 

"I don't want it to happen anymore.. What do you use?" He asks, Nick reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small multi-purpose pocket knife.

 

"Give it to me." He holds his hand out, Nick hesitates.

 

"What if I need it?" He mutters, staring at the small object in his fingers pensively.

 

"You're shit out of luck, buddy.. I don't want you being tempted.. I'll give it back to you when I think you can control yourself." Monroe explains quietly, before standing up and walking over to the cabinet and grabbing an old ice cream tub from it. He fills it with water, then grabs a plastic baggy from the cabinet.

 

"What are you doing?" Nick asks, getting up from his seat and slinking over.

 

"Give me the knife." He holds out his hand, Nick slowly holds it out and drops it into his palm, Monroe places it in the baggy, sealing it, then drops it into the water before opening the freezer.

 

"Next time you want to do something like that, you'll have to wait for the water to melt... It gives you time to change your mind.. So you don't do things you'll regret." He explains as he situates the tub into the back of the freezer. He then grabs and ice cube and holds it up.

 

"Meanwhile, you take one of these and put them on your skin... Kinda hurts, not really any damage." He tells the other, who takes it from his hand and squeezes it in his palm.

 

"How did you figure all this out?" Nick asks, dropping the ice cube into the sink.

 

"I did some research, there are a lot of things you can do when you feel like doing stuff like that to yourself.. Just come to me if the ice cubes aren't working, I'll tell you more.. Actually, I'll write you a list.." Monroe says with a small smile, startling when Nick hugs him suddenly.

 

Monroe wraps his arm around the younger, sighing quietly.

 

"We're going to get through this... I promise." He murmurs, running his fingers through Nick's hair.

 

 


End file.
